Thoughts about Halloween

It's been a week since I posted last. My only explanation for not posting, for those of you who have been just miserable without me, is that I am very busy and important (READ: Bravo has been REALLY good lately. Another Real Housewives . . . what am I to do?).

But, I'm back. And I have opinions. Lots of them. Today, they're opinions about Halloween.

I've never been very good at Halloween. When I was little, my costumes were always sort of typical: I was a rock star, a clown, a baseball player and one year, a princess. I was never into the scary side of Halloween, with the obvious exception of my clown costume at age 9. The movie Scream still terrifies me so much that it is still painful to think of that night in ninth grade that I watched it with friends after the Homecoming dance. And NOT just because that is how Courteney Cox and David Arquette met and now they are no longer . . . sigh. Does nothing last in Hollywood?

Besides failing Hollywood relationships, there is another thing I just can't wrap my mind around: creepy Halloween decorations. Not Sister Wives creepy, but "undead" creepy. Take a look at what I'm talking about.

And I thought flamingo lawn ornaments were bad. This photo was taken in suburbia -- small children live here! Can't you just imagine putting up the decorations with the kids? Honey, can you grab the severed head from the garage? I stored it in the coffin next to you tricycle. If I had found this severed head at my house at age four, I would have piddled on the floor a la my old dog when she gets really excited. Ew.

But maybe you were tougher than I was? Maybe you could actually watch E.T. when you were little. And maybe these kids in Burlingame, CA actually like this sort of thing. Perhaps they're exchanging their Disney princess costumes for something more terrifying, like Bratz girls costumes. Either way, I don't want to be a part of it.

I basically climbed over a white picket fence into somebody's front yard to take this picture. It was awkward as the family who owns the house arrived just as I was snapping it. I put on my biggest fake smile to hide my judgment and said, I'm just taking pictures of your COOL Halloween decorations! They were onto me as my high-octave, high-decibel voice didn't successful hide my judgment. The skills I picked up while being a cheerleader in 1995 totally failed me here.

I think the worst for me is the fake spiderwebs. As if I don't have enough fear that spiders are going to jump out at any time to take me to their leader, spin me up in their web and eat me with their freaky little mouths (I didn't know if spiders actually had mouths or little pincher things, so I had to look it up and was further traumatized by the images I found. Thanks a lot, Google.).

If it weren't for the abundance of chocolate during this season and my new Harry Potter costume (Complete with yellow and red scarf with the Gryffindor crest. Thank you, dear sister!), I think I would throw out Halloween altogether. But, maybe you're into it. If so, I'll let you have it. I never judge, I'm just not like that.

You want some candy, little girl?