The Mom Lie

Photo by Mallory Parkington Photography

I've seen it play out countless times on my favorite makeover shows:
Zoom in on the sloppily dressed woman who, after years of mothering and nurturing, has completely forgotten how to run a brush through her hair. 
OK so maybe I'm being a teensy bit dramatic (as I am known to be) but haven't we seen this? There's something about becoming a mother that turns a lot of women into a the first 15 minutes of What Not To Wear. Or, at the very least, keeps us from feeling like the women we did before having children.
While I don't believe our worth should be measured by what we look like or whether or not we keep up with the latest trends, let me suggest that this tendency for mothers to fall into the pre-makeover category is indicative of a greater problem: The Mom Lie.
The Mom Lie goes like this: once you have kids, you must come last. All. The. Time. Especially regarding your body.
But here's the thing: our bodies created these tiny little humans. And after our bodies actually formed them into the perfect little mess makers that they are, they exited our bodies in a way that was both beautiful and damaging. You know what I am talking about. And then, even after we formed them and birthed them, we kept (keep!) them alive with the fiber of our very being. From breastmilk to middle-of-the-night bottle feedings to acting like a short-order cook in the kitchens, our bodies literally serve and nourish our beautiful little creations. And don't even get me started on those mothers whose bodies waited and waited in utter agony for that call from the adoption agency. And when that call came, those bodies did a most amazing thing: in an extraordinary act of fusion, they made theirs what was once not, in the fiercest, loveliest way possible.
Let me put it another way: our mothering bodies are effing amazing and beautiful. Just as they are.
But once these small little bundles enter our worlds, it's as if we completely forget the miraculous work of our flesh. Its beauty too. We pledge some unsaid vow to deny ourselves and our bodies any real self-care. We strap on the guise of martyrdom because we feel it is what mothers do. We forego the right to make ourselves a priority because it feels unnatural now. We have so much love for our babes that we think any tangible showing of love to ourselves would be selfish. That it would slight them.
And then the years pass.
  And then it's been a year since I've had a haircut.
    Ages since I sat down for a meal that wasn't leftover pb & j crust.
     I realize I only wear real clothes when I have to and rarely when I want to.
The funniest thing about it all (not funny "haha" but funny "punch me in the face") is that I thought I was taking care of myself. My attempts at self-care were so disordered, though. A glass (or two) of wine when I was stressed (I need this). A candy bar on-the-go (I deserve this). Lack of exercise (I need rest). Binge-watching my fave shows at any free moment (this is totally going to recharge me).
Granted, those things are often amazing and necessary but let's not let them masquerade as self-care. For one, if they turn into habits, they can lead you to a pretty gnarly pre-makeover situation. And I don't care one bit if you are a size 2 or 24, if you don't feel good or feel like yourself, that is a problem that needs a solution.
This whole "deny thyself" aspect of motherhood isn't something we've inflicted on ourselves without help. From lack of decent paid maternity leave to the absence of healthy conversation surrounding PPD, our mothering bodies are being asked (expected?) to roll over and make way for some greater good.
Herein lies the problem. How are we supposed to keep these tiny humans alive on a daily basis, do our jobs and be at least an average friend/partner/employee without a little energy spent on ourselves? We have to make ourselves a priority.
Making ourselves a priority is like swimming upstream. We have to ask for it, demand it and fight for it. It's really hard. And don't even get me started on the guilt that comes with it.
But let me let you in on a little secret (that you probably know already but just humor me and pretend I am BLOWING YOUR MIND):

A few months ago, I started taking better care of myself (you can read more about that here if you like). It was an adjustment for the whole family. More time, more energy and even a little more money was being spent on this mama. But, I have to say, I am happier now. The benefits outweighed the costs. My efforts to take care of myself have had a tangibly positive effect on the people around me. My kids benefit from having a more patient mother. My husband benefits from having a wife who isn't at the end of her rope. My employer benefits from the extra time I spend creating rather than being tapped.
I heard this amazing quote the other day. You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work of progress simultaneously.
How freeing. I am amazing just as I am but I am also allowed to be someone who needs care (who deserves care).
Want to be a better mom? Take care of yourself. Want to be a better employee? Take care of yourself. Want to be a better partner? You guessed it. Take care of yourself.
If we operate from a place of deficit then we are unable to be the generous, kind, hard-working people that we are. If we fill our cups? Well, there's no stopping us.