Guilt Can Suck It

As someone who grew up Catholic, I have an intimate relationship with guilt. Catholic guilt is no joke. Right before my First Communion, I was sent to the principal's office for doing cartwheels in the classroom. As a card-carrying goody two-shoes, this was a serious transgression. I sat down with the priest who would be celebrating my First Communion and told him all about it. Even though he said God forgave me (and may have let out a chuckle), I still felt TERRIBLE. I was disappointed in my pint-size self and it was hard to move on.

Now that I am a mom, Catholic guilt seems like the minor leagues. No, seriously. I could do cartwheels all over this effing town and not feel one ounce of guilt compared to the guilt I feel when I forget to read to my children one day. Or look at my phone too much. Or not rush to get them the second they wake up from a nap. Or don't do things like this or this. Or the wind is blowing too hard and my toddler just cannot handle it (she can be KIND OF a delicate flower).

This is REALLY how I should feel! Except sometimes I forget to shower. 

While Catholic guilt is no joke, Mom guilt is not effing around. Mom guilt gets home and is like, "Catholic guilt, why can't you pick up the phone and call me once in a while?" Yeah, she's kind of a bitch.

I have been realizing so many things about guilt lately, most importantly that it SUCKS. No, it literally sucks. As in, it sucks the life out of us. The wind out of our sails, the air out of our tires and any other air-depleting analogy that works here. Guilt is the WORST.

I'll tell you why:

• it renders us immobile.
• it makes us feel horrible and ineffective.
• it's unhelpful to everyone. 

Guilt stops us from achieving our goals, becoming who we want to be and changing what needs to be changed in and around ourselves. Rather than reacting to a situation with "how can I do better?", we react with "I am the worst." How can that possibly lead down a good road?

I'm trying to choose another path and I would be remiss if I didn't mention the immortal words of Taylor Swift, "Shake it Off." Lady makes a good point.

On a personal note, I have been on this journey to reclaim my body since having two kids. I've lost a bunch of weight and feel like a million bucks. You can read about the program here if you want but, my point is, I have setbacks. Yesterday, for example, I ate like 4 (ok, 7) chocolate covered peppermint Joe Joe's from Trader Joe's. Serving size is 1 (ONE?) so I was apparently eating as proxy for my entire block. While I could berate myself for my lack of willpower, self-control and general strength in the face of only-available-for-a-limited-time chocolate amazingness, I'm choosing to move forward. To PROCEED. I got up this morning, did my workout, had my smoothie and moved on. There was work to be done, children to love and choices to make.

There is so much to feel guilty about. SO MUCH. We often fall short of the person we want to be, the person we are meant to be. We often fail to love our friends, ignore our neighbors in need and welcome the stranger. I know I do. It's so easy to sit in the miry pit of guilt.

But what's exactly in that miry pit? A bunch of "I shoulds". I should work out. I should eat healthier food. I should spend more quality time with my kids. I should go to church. I should volunteer. I should stop being an asshole.

Just do yourself a favor and stop should-ing all over yourself and get to work instead.

I am desperately trying to make a habit of moving forward rather than staying still or staying stuck). So I'm getting up, shaking it off, making my plan and moving on.

And if I rock a cartwheel while I'm at it, so be it. I can still do a damn good one.

Starting Small

It's my favorite time of year- Christmastime!

My heart teeters between being so remarkably light and so extremely heavy during this time. For one, I have all I ever need or want. Health, a warm home and an amazing family. And lots of chocolate. Seriously, there is so much chocolate around here I'm in heaven.

#pantsoptional

One moment of giddiness came when my oldest, Charlotte (2 years 9 months) moved a chair to the front of our Christmas tree. She climbed on it and started rearranging ornaments saying, "Mama, I'm just fixing stuff." This is so amazing because what she doesn't know is that, long before she was born, I would rearrange the tree so that ornaments were placed in their most optimal locations. It's genetic- my mom does it, too. My husband really loves this about me. #sike

But my heart also aches and has moments of complete despair. From refugees carrying their babies across borders to the immediate needs of my community, life just isn't the way it ought to be for so many. And that's putting it lightly. Our world appears to be falling apart at the seams. Is this how every generation feels at one point or another or are things really this bad?

I'm left with this sense of being stuck. What do I do? How do I proceed from these moments? Where do I even begin to express the gratitude I feel and also the despair? I'm dying for action but I just can't even move sometimes.

But then I think about my daughter moving a chair to the tree. She's too small to get to the ornaments she really wants. She climbs her sweet little body up the chair, stands on her tippy toes and fixes stuff. It's nothing big, sometimes just a candy cane she hasn't yet examined or a star she wants to twirl around. It's important work to her. Toddler work.

She moves the chair, she climbs and she does her task.

In these moments that I have, both of delight and despair, I must choose to act. Following Charlotte's example of starting small (for she is small), I have to proceed.

So here's a little of what I'm doing - won't you join me?

Mine is from Pottery Barn

• Advent Calendar: I received this amazing calendar from my sister-in-law last year. It has pockets and in them, I've placed notes with tasks for the day. They range from making garland to visiting our elderly neighbors to taking a winter walk. I want to be intentional this season about how I'm spending time with my beloveds in addition to teaching my littles how to be generous out of the abundance we have.

• Carry the Future: Hopefully, you've heard of this organization doing wonderful and practical work for Syrian refugees in Europe, specifically Greece. Started by a Californian mother, this organization outfits Syrian parents with baby carriers to keep their wee ones close. In addition to this practical and thoughtful endeavor, they've also expanded in providing relief packs to refugees. 

• Building a Habit of Kindness: The theme of "building new habits" has dug in and stayed in my heart these last few months. We can build ALL SORTS of habits. We can stop biting our nails, floss (for once!), work out more, eat better. Why can't we build a habit of kindness? Start small. Maybe a kind word to a friend (why don't we tell our friends how much we root for them?). Or a meal for a family in chaos. It doesn't cost us much to be kind and the more we are kind, the more it becomes WHO WE ARE. Think of the Grinch: grow your heart three sizes. That grumpy little sucker carved the roast beast at the end, people. 

I hope and pray you have a wonderful Christmas season! May we greet each day and each person with open hearts. May we operate out of abundance rather than scarcity. May we be so brave as to open our hearts to those around us so that we might bear some of their pain and joy.

What Are Your Intentions?

This question always makes me think of an awkward guy meeting his girlfriend's father for the first time. The father, ever so protective, wants to know the long-term hopes and dreams this poor kid has regarding his daughter. My Dad used to joke about having a gun and a shovel upstairs when he met a new guy of mine. My brother would help him out as well, but normally in a more "teenage boy" way like telling a very unfortunate boy who once called me, How can your name be Rob? Rob is a boy's name and you sound like a girl. Ah, adolescence. Fun times.

I was thinking about intentions the other day in yoga because, before every class, my teachers always encourage us to set one. An intention, in the yogic sense, does not mean a goal. Philip Moffitt explains their differences this way: "Setting intention, at least according to Buddhist teachings, is quite different than goal making. It is not oriented toward a future outcome. Instead, it is a path or practice that is focused on how you are 'being' in the present moment." For example, I wouldn't set an intention for my practice of mastering a difficult pose. Instead, I might set an intention to connect with my breath more deeply during the next hour or two that I am practicing. Or to feel each pose in my body instead of just tuning out the physical sensations. The differences are slight, I realize, but clearly one is more about success while the other about presence. One is more about achievement while the other, mindfulness.

The struggle between working for success and presence happens both on and off the mat for me. I am an extremely competitive person who prides herself on her achievements. It's easier for me to feel good about myself if I have something to point to that is tangible that shows my self-improvement. T-shirts from finishing races, certificates of completions-- that's the stuff I want! The whole idea of striving for presence is so challenging because the art of being present in the moment is not measurable. Where are my results? How can I get a PR or some kind of certificate for that? Even a pat on the back would be nice. . .

The idea of setting intentions for presence easily translates to daily life. I have many dear friends who say grace before a meal together, reminding themselves to fully engage in the company present as well as their food. They don't set a concrete goal to have a really great conversation about politics (or whatever) or to finish their green beans (something I will never do because green beans are disgusting). These grace-ers grace because they want to be more mindful of the present moment. Saying grace is setting intentions.

Now, when I ask you What are your intentions? I hope your palms don't go sweaty and your voice starts to crack. Don't worry, my dad was just kidding about the gun and the shovel and my brother is not so tough. I'm simply asking you how you plan to live in the present moment.

Namaste, St. Ignatius!

I'm not really into saints, even though I reference one in this post's title. Yes, I have a background in theology but saints are really just not my thing. Even when I was Confirmed as a 13 year-old and had to pick a saint's name to take on, I just couldn't get into it. I ended up picking St. Lucy because Lucy was my dog's name and I was into her.

St. Ignatius however, might be an exception. This person who lived 400 years ago has had a deep effect on my life. His way of thinking about faith is really the only reason why I haven't walked away (more like run!) from the Catholic Church and some of its not so progressive ways.

One of the most powerful things I can take from St. Ignatius is his commitment to "find God in all things." If you're not particularly religious, I think it's completely acceptable to amend this phrase to say "find sacredness in all things." Ignatius was convinced that the fingerprint of the Creator was upon everything-- that nothing escaped the love and beauty of God's hand. Even the ugly things . . . like acid washed jeans or (eek) spiders.

I find this notion to also be present in the practice of yoga. When we seal our hands together at our hearts, bow to each other and say "Namaste," we are actually acknowledging the sacredness in both ourselves and the life around us. The word "Namaste" literally translates to "I bow to the god in you" or, "the sacred in me bows to the sacred in you." In this way, each day presents a new challenge. Some days, I can easily see my own sacredness or self-worth. Other days, I struggle to see my own value and am overwhelmed by the good I might see in others. It's a daily process, this Namaste-ing. 

While I would love to pretend old Iggy practiced yoga back in 16th century Spain, I know it is just a pipe dream. I am amazed however, that, in different parts of the world, at different times, people were coming around to the same truths: that all human beings have worth and our world is filled to the brim with the the sacred. Ignatian spirituality certainly illuminates my yoga practice.

So, I say to you "Namaste" and hope you can say it back to me.                              

Can't you see this guy rocking a downward dog?